I will win the crown, then haunt your nightmares.

Image: Pixabay

Hello, judges. I am so excited to be competing here in the Little Miss Glitz and Glam Arizona pageant. I am contestant number 40, the creepy little kid in every horror movie ever.

My name is Penelope, and I am nine years old, as I have been for the last 250 years. I’m competing here today with my twin sister — she is standing right here, next to me. Can’t you see her? We love holding hands and walking slowly in perfect unison.

Please take note of my beautiful gown. While the other children are wearing ruffles, gems, and more…

We had so much fun… until we ruined Mom and Dad’s marriage for a second time.

Image Copyright: Disney. (Fair Use.)

This summer was so awesome! We had so much fun!

First, we went to sleep away camp. It was so cool! We learned how to canoe, how to make beaded friendship bracelets, and even how to fence. Hallie even learned how to rig a Home Alone-style string trap, completely in the dark and without making a single sound so she didn’t wake anyone up. So amazing!

But then, something totally crazy happened. It turns out that we are long-lost twins! At first, we didn’t believe it, but after comparing hair colors, freckles, birthdates, and later, DNA, we discovered that it…

If you need to use the restrooms, please hop from the receptionist desk.

A glowing lava flow
A glowing lava flow
Image: Pexels

Dear Employees of Tristar Telecommunications and Business Solutions,

We ask that you use caution while coming and going from the building, as we appear to have a minor lava flow in parts of the office. Please be assured that this has been brought to the attention of your facilities team, who are trying to quickly assess and clean up the situation.

Unfortunately, the lava is spreading to parts of the lobby, as well as most of the first floor. Because of this, the first-floor ladies’ and men’s restrooms will be temporarily closed and will remain closed until the restrooms can…

Dear Abby,

I consider myself a pretty easy going person. When my friends want to hang out at the mall, I’ll meet them there. When my chemistry study group wants to meet at the library, I’ll also go, even though Kevin never really participates. What I’m saying is that I tend to go with the flow and I don’t make a big deal about anything. However, the other day my boyfriend did something that got me a little annoyed.

Last Saturday we were talking in his driveway when his friend pulled up in his car. This time instead of pulling…

Alyssa Feller

Writer, performer, all around nice person. Reductress contributor, NBC Late Night Writers Workshop class of 2018. www.alyssafeller.com

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